Years and years ago, when Wade and I went to his senior prom, we went with Wade's best friend, Jason and his date, Aubrey. Admittedly, Wade's memory for these things can be better than mine, so he remembers this was Jason and Aubrey's first date. What I remember is that Aubrey and I quickly became friends after this one night. She was my maid of honor and I was hers. We certainly didn't realize when we were making friends that in addition to both loving reading, we would someday both be adopting babies. There are many reasons that I am glad that Jason had the foresight to invite Aubrey to prom, but I think I can speak for Aubrey too, and say that we've needed each other on our ways to finding our babies.
Depsite the bumps in our adoption road, I definitely don't regret it, but I am exhausted by the system. Liam's adoption still isn't quite sorted out, though I have recently heard May will bring the true finalization (maybe). I won't be waiting with bated breath (maybe a little bit of hope though). As for the second adoption, we're on our third agency. After LSS suggested that the muddle with the Indian Child Welfare Act was somehow our fault, we thought using them again would be less than wise. Ironically, after two years, thousands of dollars, and at least an equal number of pieces of paper that we have turned in with our name correctly spelled, they still struggle to spell our name right. I haven't figured out yet why no one there has pointed out, "Rachel gets really mad when we spell her name wrong. We should double check this." It seems to make sense to me, but then again...
The second agency had a similar set of issues to LSS. They also struggled to spell our names right and weren't always so keen to call us back. Also a curious choice, after all if someone wants to pay you thousands of dollars wouldn't you return their call. It makes sense to me, but then again...
Now we've settled on a third agency.* On the plus side, they both spell our name right and return our calls. On the downside, we're going to pay them to do a home study. In fact, we're going to pay them more than we have already paid LSS to do a home study.
I'm tired. I want Liam to have a brother or sister and I'm just never going to birth babies, so that means adoption is really the only choice for us. I'm tired of having to prove over and over again that we're good parents. At the new agency, proving this requires letters of reference from 4 people, letters from our employers indicating we're financially solvent, a letter from our pastor proving we're really Christian, a questionnaire that we had to fill out proving we're really Christian, our stance on abortion, a physical including an STD test, a drug test, and TB test. All this and we haven't actually received the bulk of the paperwork yet. Oh and Liam has to have a TB test too. In case you're curious, what sorts of risk factors might put one at risk for TB in Minnesota? I looked--recent immigration from another country, homelessness, drug use, incarceration, and being HIV positive. In light of the many ways that we fit this list of risk factors, I'm certainly glad I can take my two year old to the doctor so they can poke at him to determine he doesn't have TB. The STD test** sounds pretty fun too--a really good use of everyone's time and resources.
I know at the end, when we get to hold the next little baby, it will all be worth it and when I hold Liam, it is too, but it's still exhausting. But to come back to Aubrey, this is why we've needed each other. She always understands why I feel so oppressed by the paperwork and doctor's visits. She exactly understands the contradictions. For example, while adoption agencies drill into your head the importance of teaching your child about the culture that they come from, when the child actually arrives, there's no discussion about pertinent issues like what sort of feeding schedule the little baby is on, since you haven't been in the hospital. As Aubrey says, as long as when they're 102, they die clutching the Ethiopian or Russian flag, we've done our job as adoptive parents. Clearly, we're already failing since we have nary a dream catcher in our home.
In February, I took Liam to Washington to visit my parents and we got to spend a weekend with Aubrey, Jason, and Isabelle. It was so sweet. There have definitely been moments in the last eight years when I wasn't sure Aubrey and I would get to be together and both have babies. It was extra special to get to be together with Liam and Isabelle--hope realized!
Just last week, Aubrey and Jason came home from Ethiopia with their second daughter, Madeleine. She's beautiful! If you have a moment, stop over at their blog and send them good wishes! Thanks Aubrey for taking good care of me when the weight of adoption paperwork threatened to bury me!
*I wrote this a few weeks ago. Since then we met with our social worker and I really like her. I am feeling a bit more optimistic. We finished the bulk of the paperwork and are just waiting for a second visit with the social worker and then we can enter the pool of waiting families.
**Those of you reading this reconsidering your friendships with us, you'll be happy to hear that all TB, STD, and drug tests came back negative. I'm still not quite sure what it is that this says about us, but now you know.
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